The Secret Diary of Henry Kissinger

Emulators within Emulators within Emulators within Emu...

2008-02-21T22:51:00.010-05:00

This whole virtualization thing is opening my mind. I have a dream about emulators. Would you like to hear it?

What if my box ran OS X 10.5 (Intel) and then i ran VMware to get a copy of Windows Vista running, and then i ran Pear PC inside Windows Vista, which is inside VMware running on OS X 10.5 to run OS X 10.3 (PPC)? Then from within my emulated OS X 10.3 installation, i ran Virtual PC to get to Ubuntu? Then from Ubuntu, which is running inside Virtual PC on an emulated OS X box through Pear PC on Windows Vista inside VMware on Mac OS X, I ran Virtual Box to emulate Windows again and then i ran my Windows apps through Wine on andLinux?

Would the universe implode? Is this how black holes form? Endless emulators?! My head hurts...

Zealots of the world, unite!

2008-02-21T18:51:00.003-05:00

I'd like to see him explain why it is possible to start in one place with an airplane and flying in a single direction...let's say west...end up back where he or she started. Does his doctrine explain that?

So, he "rejects" the sort of science which cannot be "confirmed" by the Qur'an, just like evolution supposedly cannot be real because it's not in the bible. Dude, these religious zealots (of all religions) are all one of a kind: closed-minded, brainwashed, bigoted individuals bent on controlling everyone.

I just don't understand how any reasonable person could so completely ignore what their senses tell them. The idea that one would consciously or unconsciously just shut down the parts of the mind that allow us a sense of logic and reason and to supplant those mechanisms with blind unquestioning faith seems totally insane.

I suppose that these are not reasonable people, but rather people who are highly emotional and irrational.

Actually, this is interesting because in our national conversation, the conservatives are fond of calling the liberals emotional, when it's really the other way around. science is not based on any type of faith. It is based on pure observation, logic and deduction. Whereas religion cannot possibly be based on anything but pure emotion: the want for something to be true as opposed to the fact that something is true.

I think that these then becomes important statements: do not confuse passion for blind faith. do not confuse optimism for naivete. do not confuse fact with fiction.

If Nixon heard me talking like this, he'd have me shot!

Microsoft's tactical prowess...I had nothing to do with this one.

2008-02-19T21:43:00.005-05:00

Valleyway has the story. It turns out that Microsoft made its offer to buy Yahoo at a crucial moment internally for the company. They forced the stock price up right as some kind of employee benefits package was expiring, so everyone had an excuse to leave, thus bleeding the talent away from Yahoo...just brilliant! I swear, I did not advise Microsoft in any official capacity.

Open thread

2008-02-15T19:21:00.003-05:00

I would just like to take a moment and find out what people think of the concept of this blog; it's style of humor, etc. There haven't been many posts over the last few days, as I have been trying to determine the direction I want to go with this. Please leave suggestions. I really do appreciate it!

Ruskie offers tactical advice to Yahoo!

2008-02-11T01:03:00.001-05:00

I received this video today from one of my contacts at Yahoo!'s Corporate Intelligence Agency! (CIA!) depicting a man who has made himself known to me only as "shpigler."

He claims to be offering invaluable advice on negotiating tactics with Microsoft. His demeanor suggests a confident individual who would directly or indirectly benefit from further Microsoft-Yahoo! negotiations, whether or not a merger, referred to as the "Big One," takes place. As this is the case, I must consider him to be a dubious source of objective information on the matter.

I shall advise CIA! to take the subject's information into consideration, but that they should be aware that this might only be a small piece of a much larger puzzle. In fact it is entirely possible that this is a setup, designed to lure Yahoo! into making some as yet unforeseen maneuver which would yield catastrophic results.

Yahoo!'s refusal to accept Microsoft's proposal invites a response which could easily be compared to the outcome in 1968 of Czechoslovakia's so-called Prague Spring.

If this is the case, perhaps the Google Counterintelligence Operation (Gcop) has heard something along those lines...

In any event, I will be watching out for this "shpigler."

Prague Spring in Eastern Yahoo?

2008-02-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

Memo for President Nixon

Mr. President,

I fear that my services will be required very shortly in the near future. I was contacted by President Vladimir Putin today via telegram. He said that Eastern Yahoo has rejected its overtures for annexation. I think that he'll take the same position as Brezhnev: heads will roll on this one! This is going to be very big. I will be leaving Bonn to make my full report tomorrow evening.

~Henry

John McCain appeals to my thirst for power

2008-02-09T14:12:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I'm good friends with John McCain. I like him. He's a good man. In a lot of ways he reminds me of Nixon.

He called me at my hotel this afternoon:

"Henry?"

"Senator?"

"Henry, ol' buddy! Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"

Sometimes, he likes to pretend that he's Johnny Carson. It's actually rather annoying, especially since the man has no sense of humor. "That's great, John," I said rather unenthusiastically.

"Well, uhh...so, it's starting to look like I'm gonna actually win the GOP nomination."

"I heard that. Congratulations."

"So, um, I was thinking...I really don't like the idea of having a cabinet full of punk kids. And I really don't trust these neoconservatives."

"What do you propose?"

A few beats of silence.

"Do you want to work for me, Henry?" again with the questions, "we could stir up a whole bunch of shit in the Middle East now that things are so screwed up there. We'd have a lot of fun. The press has their thumbs up their asses with Iraq, we could do pretty much anything we want!"

"What about the Democrats in the Senate? They would never confirm me, John. I don't know...this whole situation is a bit similar to when Nixon took over Vietnam isn't it? And what if the liberals try to take away my Nobel Prize?"

"I'll get you four more Nobel Prizes! Look, Henry, the Democrats are completely brain-dead. Besides, I've got some pictures of Harry Reid that I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anyone to see. If that doesn't work, I'll make it a recess appointment!"

So, John McCain wants me to be his Secretary of State, eh? Hmm, I do love the sweet taste of power! Mmm. Power.

Or is that my denture adhesive?

This man is going to wish he'd never met me!

2008-02-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

I just got off my flight to Bonn. It's actually just a vacation, but I'll just keep telling Nixon that it's more to keep him happy. The flight was absolutely horrible! Next time, I will just charter a jet. I was seated next to a man who insisted on being called Dr. Phil. He must be some kind of psychiatrist. I asked him why not Dr. McGraw? And he just looked at me with an intense stare, like I was crazy or something. I don't know if this man really is a physician, but every time I tried to catch a catnap on the flight he would start asking me all kinds of questions:

"Do you feel good about your weight?" he said.

"No, buddy, but I'm going to wiretap your ass and send you to a secret prison in Eastern Europe if you don't shut up!" Jiminy Cricket! It's like he hasn't been paying attention to the news. I only need to make a phone call to get it done. Those morons in the Bush Administration will do anything I say. "Have you ever heard of extraordinary rendition?"

He responded, "would that make you feel better?"

I don't like QUESTIONS! They make me start to think about having to testify in front of Congress or in some Spanish court. I'm going to talk to Hoover about this guy when I get back to the States. This Dr. McGraw must be a spy!

My thoughts on the ICC

2008-02-08T23:45:00.000-05:00

I wrote this essay outlining my objections to the International Criminal Court. Let me explain this in plain and simple terms: this whole thing has been set up to so that the liberals could lock me up in jail! They're still pissed off about Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, and East Timor. Not to mention Chile! Of course, they couldn't get any help from the current administration, so they have decided to circumvent our system of government and attempt to establish some sort of insane world jurisdiction. Well, the knowledge of a force of law superior to our own would completely cripple US foreign policy.

How can we protect our national interests at all costs if we have to also worry about the consequences of every aspect of our actions? The ends justify the means in every situation: no exceptions. In fact, it was through this principal that I won the Nobel Peace Prize in the 1973. The end was peace and the means was via a massive show of force. In fact, I consider that to be my vindication, even though Lê Ðức Thọ was being a stubborn ass at the time I accepted it.

Let me tell you something, ICC: screw you and your Soviet bloc sympathizers!

PS: Back off, Interpol!

Someone is talking to the press...

2008-02-08T23:22:00.000-05:00

When I find the people who created this video and the people who talked to them, they are going to wish they could go to Guantanamo Bay! I need to check the wiretaps on my staff. This place is leaking like a freaking sieve!

Nixon is going to screw up this Microsoft-Yahoo! merger

2008-02-08T19:37:00.000-05:00

He's gone crazy again! You see, he misses being president so much that when discussing the major technology companies, I have to refer to them as Cold War superpowers. Otherwise, he won't listen. My report from Cupertino follows:

We must establish a trade pact with the People's Republic of Apple. I have just returned from a meeting in Cupertino at the behest of President Nixon. I met with Premier Jobs and our discussion was quite productive. He said that the PRA would would be interested in opening economic relations with the West.

In the Union of Soviet Microsoft Republics, the CPSU is looking to formally expand the nation's borders into Eastern Yahoo! I believe this annexation would effect a dramatic shift in the balance of power on the world stage. It would set a precedent for further expansion into other Soviet bloc countries and perhaps beyond. However, if we were to formalize trade relations with the PRA, which would have major economic benefits for our nation, it would also have the added benefit of creating a tacit anti-Soviet alliance.

I will be meeting tomorrow with NATO leaders to discuss these issues at the Googleplex in Bonn. I look forward to meeting with Chancellor Eric Schmidt.

To which Nixon replied:

Well done Henry, but if you want that second Nobel Peace Prize before you kick the oxygen habit, your plan needs to produce a much higher body count. We need to figure out how to drag on negotiations long enough for Ballmer to destroy some serious "shareholder value."

What else could I do but tell him how much I agree with his insane idea? This is going to backfire on us: I just know it! Someone's going to leak this whole operation to the press. They'll take away my Nobel Peace Prize! Perhaps I could lay the blame on McNamara...?