Memo for President Nixon
Mr. President,
I fear that my services will be required very shortly in the near future. I was contacted by President Vladimir Putin today via telegram. He said that Eastern Yahoo has rejected its overtures for annexation. I think that he'll take the same position as Brezhnev: heads will roll on this one! This is going to be very big. I will be leaving Bonn to make my full report tomorrow evening.
~Henry
It's no secret that I'm good friends with John McCain. I like him. He's a good man. In a lot of ways he reminds me of Nixon.
He called me at my hotel this afternoon:
"Henry?"
"Senator?"
"Henry, ol' buddy! Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"
Sometimes, he likes to pretend that he's Johnny Carson. It's actually rather annoying, especially since the man has no sense of humor. "That's great, John," I said rather unenthusiastically.
"Well, uhh...so, it's starting to look like I'm gonna actually win the GOP nomination."
"I heard that. Congratulations."
"So, um, I was thinking...I really don't like the idea of having a cabinet full of punk kids. And I really don't trust these neoconservatives."
"What do you propose?"
A few beats of silence.
"Do you want to work for me, Henry?" again with the questions, "we could stir up a whole bunch of shit in the Middle East now that things are so screwed up there. We'd have a lot of fun. The press has their thumbs up their asses with Iraq, we could do pretty much anything we want!"
"What about the Democrats in the Senate? They would never confirm me, John. I don't know...this whole situation is a bit similar to when Nixon took over Vietnam isn't it? And what if the liberals try to take away my Nobel Prize?"
"I'll get you four more Nobel Prizes! Look, Henry, the Democrats are completely brain-dead. Besides, I've got some pictures of Harry Reid that I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anyone to see. If that doesn't work, I'll make it a recess appointment!"
So, John McCain wants me to be his Secretary of State, eh? Hmm, I do love the sweet taste of power! Mmm. Power.
Or is that my denture adhesive?
I just got off my flight to Bonn. It's actually just a vacation, but I'll just keep telling Nixon that it's more to keep him happy. The flight was absolutely horrible! Next time, I will just charter a jet. I was seated next to a man who insisted on being called Dr. Phil. He must be some kind of psychiatrist. I asked him why not Dr. McGraw? And he just looked at me with an intense stare, like I was crazy or something. I don't know if this man really is a physician, but every time I tried to catch a catnap on the flight he would start asking me all kinds of questions:
"Do you feel good about your weight?" he said.
"No, buddy, but I'm going to wiretap your ass and send you to a secret prison in Eastern Europe if you don't shut up!" Jiminy Cricket! It's like he hasn't been paying attention to the news. I only need to make a phone call to get it done. Those morons in the Bush Administration will do anything I say. "Have you ever heard of extraordinary rendition?"
He responded, "would that make you feel better?"
I don't like QUESTIONS! They make me start to think about having to testify in front of Congress or in some Spanish court. I'm going to talk to Hoover about this guy when I get back to the States. This Dr. McGraw must be a spy!
