Memo for President Nixon
Mr. President,
I fear that my services will be required very shortly in the near future. I was contacted by President Vladimir Putin today via telegram. He said that Eastern Yahoo has rejected its overtures for annexation. I think that he'll take the same position as Brezhnev: heads will roll on this one! This is going to be very big. I will be leaving Bonn to make my full report tomorrow evening.
~Henry
I wrote this essay outlining my objections to the International Criminal Court. Let me explain this in plain and simple terms: this whole thing has been set up to so that the liberals could lock me up in jail! They're still pissed off about Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, and East Timor. Not to mention Chile! Of course, they couldn't get any help from the current administration, so they have decided to circumvent our system of government and attempt to establish some sort of insane world jurisdiction. Well, the knowledge of a force of law superior to our own would completely cripple US foreign policy.
How can we protect our national interests at all costs if we have to also worry about the consequences of every aspect of our actions? The ends justify the means in every situation: no exceptions. In fact, it was through this principal that I won the Nobel Peace Prize in the 1973. The end was peace and the means was via a massive show of force. In fact, I consider that to be my vindication, even though Lê Ðức Thọ was being a stubborn ass at the time I accepted it.
Let me tell you something, ICC: screw you and your Soviet bloc sympathizers!
PS: Back off, Interpol!
When I find the people who created this video and the people who talked to them, they are going to wish they could go to Guantanamo Bay! I need to check the wiretaps on my staff. This place is leaking like a freaking sieve!
He's gone crazy again! You see, he misses being president so much that when discussing the major technology companies, I have to refer to them as Cold War superpowers. Otherwise, he won't listen. My report from Cupertino follows:
We must establish a trade pact with the People's Republic of Apple. I have just returned from a meeting in Cupertino at the behest of President Nixon. I met with Premier Jobs and our discussion was quite productive. He said that the PRA would would be interested in opening economic relations with the West.To which Nixon replied:
In the Union of Soviet Microsoft Republics, the CPSU is looking to formally expand the nation's borders into Eastern Yahoo! I believe this annexation would effect a dramatic shift in the balance of power on the world stage. It would set a precedent for further expansion into other Soviet bloc countries and perhaps beyond. However, if we were to formalize trade relations with the PRA, which would have major economic benefits for our nation, it would also have the added benefit of creating a tacit anti-Soviet alliance.
I will be meeting tomorrow with NATO leaders to discuss these issues at the Googleplex in Bonn. I look forward to meeting with Chancellor Eric Schmidt.
Well done Henry, but if you want that second Nobel Peace Prize before you kick the oxygen habit, your plan needs to produce a much higher body count. We need to figure out how to drag on negotiations long enough for Ballmer to destroy some serious "shareholder value."
What else could I do but tell him how much I agree with his insane idea? This is going to backfire on us: I just know it! Someone's going to leak this whole operation to the press. They'll take away my Nobel Peace Prize! Perhaps I could lay the blame on McNamara...?
